you can’t always get what you want

For the past week or so, (yes, even toward the end of vacation last week), I’ve been in quite a funk. It’s really hard for me to put it into words, and I’m not even sure I want to reveal to the world (even the small blogging world) all my most intimate thoughts.

When I get stressed or anxious, I’m the type of person who closes up, instead of verbally talking through issues. It’s a blessing and a curse, that’s for sure. I’m used to dealing with stress, but anxiety is a much newer emotion for me. I definitely had anxious moments the first few weeks as a new mom, but it’s been a while since I’ve felt this way. And before James Michael came along, it was mainly just stress that I had to deal with, which I found my own ways to combat.

Writing this post now, there’s a lump in my through. I need some sort of release, and I’ve already tried my go-to methods of baking and CrossFitting earlier this week. I’m hoping that writing, or trying to put my feelings into words, will help. I tried to talk to James, but I got out only two sentences, which didn’t even probably make sense, before giving up. I thought about calling my mom or my sister, but I’m not even sure where to start or what to say. And actually, I’ve been avoiding talking to them since the weekend, because they can read me like a book and would know something is wrong, but I have no idea what to say.

Life isn’t easy for anyone, and I realize that, and knowing that makes me even more hesitant to truly open up to anyone. Sometimes, you can’t always get what you want. Maybe I’ve been spoiled; maybe I’ve had a good life; maybe I’m always used to getting or achieving what I want.

But sometimes, no matter how hard you work for something, you can’t always get it. And that’s why I’m in a funk. I know what I want, and I want it desperately, but I can’t seem to get it right now.

How do you working moms do it? How do you spend 10 hours away from your child and convince your heart not to hurt? How do you tell yourself that those two hours you get to spend with your child on weeknights are enough? How do you satisfy that desire to be with your child more than you are at work? How do you wake him up out of his deep slumber in the mornings so you can take him to child care? How do you deal with missing his ‘firsts’? How do you not feel guilty?

Please tell me how you do it. I need all the tips and advice I can get at this point, before I reach the precipice. I’m ready for my heart to stop hurting. I’m ready not to feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I’m ready to stop crying dry tears.

But I have no idea how to make that happen. I thought it would get easier over time, but now that I’ve been back at work 4 months after my maternity leave, things aren’t working out that way.

There, I’ve finally done it; I’ve finally let the feelings flow. I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve. Please be gentle.