This past year, now that life has settled just a bit and my kids have gotten just a tad older, I’ve felt the calling to serve–not just at my church but in my community. My family has undeservedly reaped for so long, so now I jump at the chance to give back just a little. Of course, I’m realizing that to give more in one area requires lessening in another. It’s the long-sustaining ebb and flow of life.
Some days, my longing to serve is so strong, but my means to do so is laden with the common limitations of time and money and instability and a wandering focus.
It’s quite possible to desire good things with the best of intentions and it still be the wrong timing. This is what God has been reminding me of week after week as I struggle with a lack of control and doubt about the future direction for myself–for my family. It’s hard not to be a woman who takes the reins and gets things done, especially when I have the genes of a whole slew of women in my family who were strong and independent and go-getters. It’s hard to hand over control and timing, and instead embrace the in-between, the flux.
But I’ve realized that maybe, just maybe, God is using this time to prepare my heart. Because I know that His plans are bigger and better than my plans. Because He sees the whole picture. Because He is patient. Because He knows me better than I know myself.
It’s not that He’s not calling me for glory work. But right now, He’s making me malleable. He’s bending my will to His. He’s reminding me that faith and trust belong at the forefront of my life and that for any good to come out of me, it has to be guided by Him. He’s whispering that small steps often lead to life-changing journeys. He’s saying, take those small steps, one at a time, and you will journey down the path I have for you.
So I take a deep breath, push away the doubt and impatience, and venture a small step–a step so seemingly small to the rest of the world, but so directional and intentional for me. Then I wait and I trust and I remember that He is using me now at this flux of life, even when I don’t feel like it, even when I don’t realize it.
I hate to write in such non-specific terms, but this blog is a space for me not only to share, but to work things out–because I’m not always the best at saying things aloud and talking them through. It’s a way for me to re-read my thoughts–even months later–and see how God has a way of working out everything for His good. Though I feel like God has begun uncovering my purpose for the future–and hopefully He’ll lead me to share months down the road–I know He’s also working in His own timing to prepare my heart for whatever lies ahead. For now, I’m simply focusing on following His lead.
Have you ever had good motives but realized it wasn’t the right timing?